Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Conservatives, we’ve been dumped.

The immigration debacle last summer was a precursor to what we got on Tuesday. The Republicans foot dragging, elitist attitude, and ultimately their very reluctant killing of that bill was like an old girlfriend that agrees to fuck you one more time right before she runs off with her new boyfriend she’s been seeing behind your back for six months. And if you call her again after that, she’s gonna get a restraining order.

Just like that old girlfriend, we can’t make the Republicans love us anymore, they’ve moved on, and they’re happy. We’re gonna have to accept it. They don’t miss us. They threw out all our old letters, all the old pictures with us in them are gone. They have a new boyfriend with a bigger dick, a better job, that treats them better, opens the door for them, and sleeps on the wet spot. Their new boyfriend doesn’t get mad at them for doing all the silly things they do, and he likes watching the Lifetime channel.

Sure, we can hope that one day they’ll realize how good we were together, that they were wrong for leaving us, that one day they’ll understand we were the ones who truly loved them for who they were, and not just their pretty face and slammin’ body.

But we know that will never happen. They’re gone, and they’re not coming back. Ever. We can just sit and wonder how we could have been so wrong about our relationship, how we didn’t want to notice how it was changing, how they kept snapping at us for every little thing. How they didn’t want to do all the fun stuff we used to enjoy so much.

It’s over, so let’s have a beer with our buddies, go to some tittie bars, screw anything with a heartbeat, and leave the toilet seat up.

Oh, and start a new party.