Failing Upward With Al Franken

Comedian-Turned-Candidate Franken To Pay 70,000 In Back Taxes

There’s two things wrong here. First, referring to Al Franken as a “comedian.” Sorry, but being Lorne Michaels mercy fuck for 20 years does not qualify one as a “comedian.”

Second, how the fuck does this guy make enough money to owe $70,000? Who pays him? Why do they pay him? Al Franken has never succeeded at anything, ever. He produced the biggest bomb in SNL movie history, “Stuart Smalley,” and that’s saying something. More people were willing to sit through the cinematic nightmare of “It’s Pat!” than were willing to have to endure looking at Al Franken for 2 hours. “The Ladies Man” laughs at Al Franken. Chris fucking Kattan kicks Al Frankens ass at the box office. You just can’t fail more than that.

Oh wait, if you’re Al Franken, you certainly can fail more than that. Just get on the radio at Air America.

They used to broadcast about 2 hours a night of Frankens Air America show on Sundance late nights. I tried to watch it once. Once. They should use tapes of this on prisoners at Guantanamo. They’d be begging for the sweet relief of waterboarding. Franken is the albatross around the neck of hope, hope that you can make a dollar after hiring Al Franken.

Franken should be an adjective to describe losing your ass. Like, “Oh man, I got Franken’d in Vegas.” Or, “Damn, I bought stock in Segway Scooters, I totally got Franken’d” Or even, “Someone stole you credit cards? Cancel ’em before they Franken you!”

I am beyond baffled that anyone would actually pay Al Franken to do anything but NOT show up anywhere near anything that could have any possible potential of making any money whatsoever.

Minnesota, you’ve been warned. Do not get Franken’d.

This guy has been in the public eye for nearly 30 years, and has yet to do a single thing of note aside from being a total jackass loser.

Wait…now that I think about it, he’s MORE than qualified to be a U.S. Senator. 

Alexander Supertramp…A Follow-Up

I’m about to have my one year blog-aversary, if you will, and I thought I’d mark it with a follow up to the most popular post, hands down, in the one year history of this blog. This one, about Chris McCandless, aka Alexander Supertramp.

For a great read, check out John Krakauer’s original 1993 article that inspired the book and film.

This story has extraordinary staying power, for a lot of reasons. It appeals to the spirit of wanderlust in all of us, the thrill of leaving the system behind and doing what you want, and it also has a tragic ending to boot. With pictures. It’s also interesting that fame has been posthumously cast onto a guy that probably never would have wanted it, a guy that, during his 2 year sojourn, didn’t tell anyone his real name.

It also helps that he was a good looking kid.

I still get about 2 or3 heartfelt comments a week on that post, now almost six months old. That’s pretty unusual, at least for me. When I wrote it, I was only commenting on the episode of “Iconoclasts” I’d seen on TV. I’ve since read John Krakauer’s book, and I hate to say, seen Sean Penn’s film adaptation. As much as I loathe Sean Penn, I will say he did an outstanding job adapting Krakauer’s book. He’s still a world class douchebag, but credit where credit is due.

In hindsight, there’s not really a political slant to the story. It is what it is. I wouldn’t call Chris a liberal now, in fact, I don’t think he had a specific political leaning at all. Like his own brief life, his politics were all over the map. It’s the rest of us that project politics onto him, myself included.

It’s hard to not like Chris McCandless, even if you think he was an idiot. There’s just something about his story that makes you hope it’ll turn out alright, even though you know it doesn’t. His beaming smile and enthusiasm for adventure are contagious, and that makes his tragic end all the more compelling.

It’s a complex story, and it doesn’t have a happy ending, but what it is, is thought provoking. That’s what makes it a fascinating topic, and one that has gotten so much mileage. Love him or hate him, he did what he had to do, and he did it with no regrets, at least as far as it seems. That last photo of him smiling, hours before his death, is heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. Maybe that’s what grabs people, a guy that took his fate into his own hands, and fully accepted the consequences.

Don’t Start None, Won’t Be None

Here we go again. Sharpton on the warpath.

I wonder, if those cops, 3 of them black, had killed Sean Bell after firing only one shot each, would it matter?

Full disclosure here, my brother in law is a cop. That being said, common sense tells you cops don’t just randomely murder black men in a hail of gunfire, just for the fuck of it. Trust me, cops would prefer to never fire their weapon if they didn’t have to, for a myriad of reasons. Once a gun is discharged by a cop, even in an innocuous situation, it opens up a Pandora’s box of pure hell for that officer that they would much rather avoid.

There’s an old saying from the neighborhood I grew up in: “Don’t start none, won’t be none.” It basically means, if you’re not doing anything stupid, you won’t have any problems, like say, cops unloading clips on your ass. It’s a pretty safe bet Sean Bell “started some” in a big way. How he did that is never gonna be known for sure, but he did something, and it appears to be trying to run over undercover cops in an attempt to get away from the police. He was also legally drunk. Cops emptying clips don’t just suddenly spring up in the middle of innocent circumstances.

As far as being unarmed, well, he had a car, and appeared to be using it as a weapon. I don’t see a difference between that and a gun. And yeah, shooting at a car that may be trying to kill you would easily justify 50 shots in my book.

Panhandling Pays!

I kinda knew this. A good spot on a freeway exit can be pretty lucrative.

When I lived in Los Angeles, I spent a lot of time at Venice Beach, and there were some world class panhandlers out there. At Venice, there was a guy, probably still there, that juggled a chain saw, an apple and a bowling ball. He had a cardboard box out for “donations”, and I looked in it. Musta been 2 or 300 bucks in there. And he probably did 3 or 4 “shows” a day. That guy was making great money, tax free. He was really good though. At least he worked for it, but his schtick was complete bullshit, and tourists ate it up. In fact, here he is:

He’s been out there for years. Although, when I used to see him, it wasn’t this elaborate, with the fire and everything. Here”s another guy you may recognize, a total fixture on Venice Beach, Harry Perry:

This guy has been there at least 25 years, so it must be working for him. We used to talk to him, and I have a feeling he goes home to a nice house. He sells his wacky CD’s. He’s not real aggressive about it, but I bet he sells enough to make a decent living. He acts all crazy, and he’ll skate around you in circles singing songs about aliens. Most people just get annoyed with him, but if you are ever in Venice, and you see him, (Trust me, you’ll see him) ask him to sing “Invaders” and he’ll launch into his “greatest hit.” And then he’ll be all normal and ask if you want to buy his cd, and tell you all about the new one he’s working on in “his studio.” Pretty funny.

These guys are harmless, and I’m pretty sure their system of “Panhandling” is just kind of an alternative job. They never seemed like druggies or alcoholics to me. Unlike the super aggressive bums on Hollywood Blvd, that used to threaten and harass people, or scam artists like this girl in the link. Anybody that’s dealt with big city bums has probably lost a lot of empathy for the homeless, and for good reason. Myself included.

Harold And Kumar Jump The Shark

I liked “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.” Even though it was a pretty brutal painting of whites with the broadest possible negative stereotypes, it still had a sense of good nature to it. It was meant to be a broad swipe at whites, and I get the joke. Plus it was hilarious, and had the best celebrity cameo ever.

The joke’s wearing a little thin however, with “Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay.” Actually, “a little thin” is an understatement, as Harold and Kumar take that ball and run with it past the goalpost, and right out of the stadium. I understand it’s getting rave reviews. No doubt, someone will call it “A smart, comical take on racism, blind patriotism, and the war in Iraq.” Or how about this actual review from the Philadelphia Enquirer:

but the gratuitous nudity (male and female) and crazy cannabis-ness are there to serve a greater good: to mock social and political hypocrisy, a culture steeped in prejudice and pretense.

Or this one, from the NY Times:

its idiocy serves the cause of good sense and intelligence. And no, I’m not smoking anything.

Here’s one from TV Guide:

Hurwitz and Schlossberg’s sensibilities are coarse, juvenile, lewd, relentlessly tasteless and sometimes surprisingly perceptive when it comes to the glorious variety of racial stereotyping.

Yes, it’s “surprisingly perceptive” “serves the greater good”, and “serves the cause of good sense and intelligence,” to portray the entire staff of Guantanamo Bay as racist, idiot, gay rapists. Or every white passenger on a plane as an Islamo-Phobe. Or every white southerner as an inbred hillbilly KKK member. Didn’t we cover most of that in the first movie dudes?

It’s passed the point of parody, and entered the realm of hatefulness, and critics are eating that shit up.

See for yourself how they’re “serving the greater good”. Warning: Extreme profanity, and nudity NSFW!!

I’m no Debbie Schlussel, I can laugh at raunchy stuff, I don’t see Islamic sympathising in every movie, and I can take a joke directed at white people, but to call this in any way smart, or perceptive, or serving anything but the most over the top racial and political stereotyping possible, is fucking retarded.

It was funny the first time guys, this time it’s just kind of hateful.

Just FYI, I understand Kal Penn, (Kumar) is a MAJOR Obama guy.

Atlantic City Votes To Kill Gaming

Another Smoking Ban!!!

Boy is this one stupid. Banning smoking in a casino, is like banning coffee in a bookstore, it just goes together. They tried that here in Vegas to disastrous results. In fact, casino’s are the only place in Vegas you can still smoke indoors, for a reason. A non-smoking casino opened, and promptly closed, before the paint was dry. It just doesn’t work.

If you’re losing your ass at a table, you damn well better be able to have a smoke while you give the casino your rent money, it’s just that simple. I’ve lived in this town most of my life, and I can tell you, people that are gambling, feel extra-special entitlement to do whatever the fuck they want, because they don’t look at it the way you’d look at spending money on a normal vacation. They look at it like the casino is fucking them, even though it’s their choice to be there in the first place.

Casino’s, by their very nature, have to have an “anything goes” atmosphere. Once you start treating gamblers like children, they’re gonna go find a place to gamble with adults. Even if it’s their own garage.

Patrons could still light up in unstaffed smoking lounges away from the table games and slot machines.

Yeah, totally killing their streak, if they’re on one. And after losing a bunch of money, they get to feel like herded cattle. Way to take care of the customer AC! Humiliate people spending money in your establishment by stuffing them in a stinky room. Smokers (myself included) hate those fucking “smoking lounges” because they’re gross, and they’re never ventilated or cleaned, because you know, fuck those disgusting smokers anyway.

After being made to feel like a leper, how conducive do you think that is to go back and risk further humiliation by losing money?

Casino workers attended the vote. Many wore T-shirts with the slogan “Nobody deserves to work in an ashtray.”

Oh fuck you “Casino workers.” I am so tired of this kind of whining. First of all, casino’s are big, well ventilated open spaces, it’s not like they’re in a tiny room in a haze of smoke, like say a “Smoking Lounge.” It’s just not like that.

Second, fuck you casino workers, go work at McDonalds then, crybabies. Actually, you may end up there anyway, after the casino lays you off because you helped the city take away gaming revenue with your stupid T-Shirts. Believe me, those casino’s know what you did, and you’re on “the list.”

When business slows down, which it will…a lot…you’ll be the first to start your new career in fast food preparation.

Update: Thanks for the link DPUD!

Rocket Science For Greenies

How was your Hoax Day? I mean Earth Day? It was fun watching all my local newscasters get positively giddy about “Being Green.” I think they all came a little.

People really are sheep. Nothing drives that home more than the greatest single hoax carried out on the American people: Recycling. Basic common sense would tell you that recycling is a scam, but even reasonably intelligent people seem to eat this one up. It just never seems to dawn on people that an entire 2nd fleet of trucks are used for this elaborate pulling of the wool over their eyes, even when those eyes see a different truck picking up their empty Voss bottles every week.

Most of you already know this of course, but I like to put in a little factoid for good measure:

Myth 6: Recycling Always Protects the Environment

Los Angeles has estimated that due to curbside recycling, its fleet of trucks is twice as large as it otherwise would be–800 vs. 400 trucks. This means more iron ore and coal mining, more steel and rubber manufacturing, more petroleum extracted and refined for fuel–and of course all that extra air pollution in the Los Angeles basin as the 400 added trucks cruise the streets.

Do you gotta be a fucking rocket scientist to figure that out? Multiply that by every single city in the U.S. and tell me you’re helping the environment asshole.

Not to mention the extra plants needed to separate the paper, plastic, and glass, all using power, all creating pollution. It’s pure insanity.

Here in my hometown, they’re going to the “one bin” system. Know what that means? ALL NEW TRUCKS. Yep, they can’t retro-fit the old “three bin” trucks, so hey, gotta buy a whole new fleet, as well as new machines to sort from the one bin. Guess who gets to pay for it?

What’s really scary is that

A: People are this easily fooled and..

B: These same people vote.

You want to recycle? Here’s the only recycling that actually works:

Immigration In The Front Yard

Half the Los Angeles workforce are immigrants.

They don’t specify legal or illegal, but they say “many” speak little English. I’ll take that as “many” are illegal. What does this mean exactly?

“The question is: Are we going to be a 21st century city with shared prosperity, or a Third World city with an elite group on top and the majority at poverty or near poverty wages?” he asked. “Right now we’re headed toward becoming a Third World city.

Pat Buchannan has been saying that for years, but people seem to think he’s a kook. No matter how you feel about immigration, the shear numbers are staggering.

Sen. John McCain (R) of Arizona wrote: “According to the US Border Patrol apprehension statistics, almost four million people crossed our borders illegally in 2002.” Although many are caught and made to leave the country, a significant number try again. No one knows for sure how many succeed, but Senator McCain’s assertion would mean that the number crossing the border and disappearing into the US economy could be much higher than official estimates.

I hate to keep saying this, but I will, that’s a major metropolitan city full of illegals coming into our country every single year. When will that begin to dawn on people? With those kind of ridiculous numbers, how long before all of America is a third world country?

Let me tell you a little about how this affects day to day life here in Las Vegas. I have a neighbor, a 73 year old guy, nicest guy you’ll ever meet, he’s like the dad of the street. Served in Korea, a vet. Now retired, he still works more than most of us half his age do. He had his own landscpaing business for many years, and he did the majority of the work himself. In the last ten years of his business, here’s some of the harassment he had to deal with from illegals trying to take business from him:

They would “case” him, and his commercial jobs, and learn his schedule, and when he would begin cutting grass at these accounts, he’d run across metal spikes that were placed in the grass, just below the surface, put there to severely damage his blades. Not only is this despicable, but it could have sent his blades flying, hurting or even killing him or others. He had to start walking every inch of every lawn he had to cut, to check for these things, which doubled his time spent at every job.

They would follow him home, and run up to his truck in groups of two or three, and just start stealing his tools off his truck, in broad daylight. This is a 70 year-old man here, trying to chase these dirtbags. If these tactics didn’t discourage him, they simply started undercutting his price, by as much as half.

It was a constant war. He finally had enough, and retired. He had already worked well into his retirement, because he loved it, but he found other projects so he didn’t have to deal with that crap anymore.

That’s just one little example of how this stuff affects an average guy every day. These are the kind of extremely aggressive tactics that are used every day to TAKE jobs that Americans WILL do.

While we sit and bicker over Iraq, and Islamo-Fascism, guys like my neighbor, a vet, are fighting a war in their own front yard that nobody seems to care much about. Immigration is not even a faint blip on the radar screen of this election cycle. More ink and pixels have been wasted on fucking flag pins, than a real, tangible, exponentially growing threat to the American way of life that is actually happening right now.

And we just keep ignoring it.

Dude…That’s My Skull!

“4/20 Smoke Out In Colorado Draws 10,000”

You know what the main obstacle is for getting marijuana legalized? Pot smokers are the advocates.

About 15 CU officers and a half-dozen deputies with the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office had a presence Sunday among the mass of pot smokers, who bounced giant balls and tossed Frisbees through the haze.

“We really think pot should be legalized because…….Look! A ball! A big ass ball! Look at it BOUNCING! Hey.. a Frisbee!!……Dude….Dude! What was I saying?”

CU freshman Emily Benson, 19, of Kansas City, said she thinks the decriminalization of marijuana will become a hot topic in the upcoming political season and said she felt part of something bigger than just a smoke-out on Sunday.

“We’re at the starting point of a movement,” she said. “This is a big part of the reason I applied here — for the weed atmosphere.”

“This is a big part of the reason I applied here — for the weed atmosphere.” When deciding on a College, “the weed atmosphere” is important. Nothing stifles higher learning like a shitty weed atmosphere. Everybody knows that.

Entrepreneur Barrett Betz, 20, conceived of the potential financial benefit 4/20 holds earlier this year, and sold peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Hostess snack cakes and bottled water for a $1.

“Peanut butter and jelly!” he screamed to passers-by who were parched and eager to satisfy their munchies. “I’m doing very well.”

One woman was hopeful Betz’s treats were charged with some special ingredients.

“Are these magical?” she asked, only to be disappointed. “Why aren’t you selling magical ones? I mean, it’s cool — but c’mon.”

Yeah, I mean, c’mon, why the fuck would you eat a peanut butter and jelly sammich that wasn’t loaded with hallucinogenics? Dude….Dude.

It wasn’t all bouncy balls, Frisbees and non-hallucinogenic PB&J’s, some students saw the opportunity to drop some science on the throng of super high kids partying on 4/20, cause you know, that’s when they’re most receptive to big bouncy balls, Frisbees, and the genocide in Darfur.

Although CU junior Max Lichtenstein, 21, isn’t into marijuana or smoking, he also felt Sunday’s event was a chance to do something “bigger” than himself. He passed out 126 Rice Krispies treats with messages attached asking that they act out against the injustices in Darfur.

“Tomorrow, when you’re sober … call the White House at 202-456-1414,” the note read.

See? There’s hope for these kids yet! If every single one of those high ass kids that inhaled one of Max’s Rice Krispie Treats calls the White House, well, let’s just say I hope the operators can handle 126 calls in a single day! Hold on Darfur, hold on! 126 wasted college kids might remember to call the White House today…..maybe….if nothing’s on the Cartoon Network, or they didn’t eat the phone number.

If not, just remember that someone cared enough to hand out 126 Rice Krispie Treats to a bunch of stoned college kids to help you….to help you. Or to get laid, it may have been to get laid, but still. Dude..Dude.

One Final Act Of Stupidity

“Green burials” becoming popular.

Environmentally conscious baby boomers are driving the growing popularity of “green” burials.

Dry ice or refrigeration replaces formaldehyde, or a wood casket replaces a concrete vault in green burials.

Why don’t you just recycle the body and eat it? Use the bones to build a habitat for hobos. I mean, it don’t get more “green” than that. If you’re that committed to being an idiot, take it all the way. Don’t even sully the precious Earth with the insulting presence of your wasteful, decomposing body.

Green burials require separate cemetery space away from areas where heavy equipment is used.

The graves are usually hand-dug around trees, and simple stones mark the grave sites.

That’s nice, you get to hug a tree for eternity.

I watched a show last week on National Geographic about all the stuff we use in our lifetime, I think it was called “Human Footprint.” Aside from the fact that it was a two hour Anti-American screed about how wasteful Americans are, it was still interesting, and puts into perspective how retarded something like a “green burial” is. As if, after all you consume, and all the waste you create during your lifetime, (a staggering amount, even for greenies) a fucking bio-degradable casket is gonna make it all better.

Idiocracy baby, Idiocracy.