A Fine Line Between Stupid And Clever

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Movie Reviews

Posted by bmac on May 27, 2008

In between UFC, drinking and BBQ’s this weekend, I watched a few movies, and damn, was I disappointed. I realized why I almost never rent movies anymore, because they all suck. Have movies always been this bad? And yes, they’re old, and I’m really glad I didn’t see them in a theater.

First up: Cloverfield

It’s all been said about this film, but I would add, that a ptoentially really awesome concept was totally blown. I hate to see such a cool idea turn into something so utterly pointless. Big monster wrecks New York, they nuke it, the end. Does anybody have any imagination anymore? It literally was Godzilla shot with a video camera. Obviously, this entire film was made around a concept for a kick ass trailer.

Well, they succeeded, it was a kick ass trailer.

Speaking of lack of imagination, I had high hopes for:

National Treasure 2: Book of National Treasure One

Fuck, can these guys even try? Another gigantic underground cavern with oil trenches just waiting 200 years for Nic Cage to touch his torch to and light the place up revealing an amazing lost city of gold? A precarious balancing act on another rickety old thing above another super deep hole? Why even go to the expense of re-filming it?

I just don’t get how with a movie this big, that cost as much as this cost, that they couldn’t get a kick ass script. Couldn’t they throw around enough money to get an amazing writer? When they spent 90 billion dollars to start production of this thing, didn’t anyone say, “Ummm……isn’t this a weak version of the same movie with the oil trenches and over the top treasure, but way less believable and corny?” Anyone?

What are they gonna do for National Treasure 3, find Atlantis in the basement of the Washington Monument? They pretty much can’t make one now that wouldn’t be ridiculously asinine. Ruined what could have been a really cool franchise by waaaay over doing it. Once again, Hollywood totally misreads the public. The cool thing about the first National Treasure, was all the clues, not the big stunts, or action sequences.

Finally, Alien Vs Predator-Requiem

Somebody should be killed for making this. The first one was marginally entertaining, but this was an abortion. Again, I just don’t know how something this horrible gets made. There’s nobody to root for in this movie. How does a script this bad get filmed? With good effects and everything? No story, no hero, they kill fucking babies in this nightmare for Gods sake. It was beyond offensive, and I’m pissed that I somehow contributed to it’s existence.

Ok, so if you haven’t seen these, ummm…SPOILER ALERT!! THEY SUCK!!!

22 Responses to “Movie Reviews”

  1. MCPO Airdale said

    Hollywood seems content to pump out garbage and leftist political propaganda (redundant). Thank goodness for NetFlix Classics Collection.

  2. Rosetta said

    Wow, that’s a threefer suck-fest.

    However you deserve some amount of punishment for even thinking that Alien vs. Predator wouldn’t totally suck.

    I recommend that you give “I Am Legend” with Will Smith a shot. I normally don’t like movies with a zombie theme but this is a great flick in my opinion.

    Also, slow, meandering zombies = stupid gay. Superfast, screaming zombies = crap your pants.

  3. MCPO Airdale said

    Man, I hate to do this, but. . . I have to agree with Rosetta on “I am Legend”

  4. Rosetta said

    MCPO, the more you agree with me the smarter you’ll be.

    And I’m glad we agree on “I Am Legend”.

  5. bmac said

    I wasn’t crazy about “I am Legend.” Depressing. Usually, anything Will Smith is in is great, but that one left me a little cold.

    However you deserve some amount of punishment for even thinking that Alien vs. Predator wouldn’t totally suck.

    Yep, I deserve that, even the video store dude tried to talk me out of it, but nooo, I thought it might be mildy entertaining. Hey the first AVP wasn’t that bad.

  6. PattyAnn said

    Saw National Treasure 2 this weekend, also.
    My 9 YO grandson says ‘where are all the clues, Granny?”
    So I guess he agrees with you bmac 🙂

  7. bmac said

    So I guess he agrees with you bmac

    Yes, my ideas often hit home with 9 year olds.

    And Morons.

  8. PattyAnn said

    9 year olds and morons. That be us 🙂

  9. bmac said

    Patty Ann, did you notice your WordPress generated Avatar was a Swastika?

  10. Scoop11 said

    I haven’t had a chance to see the others, but I wholeheartedly agree with you on “AVP:R.” I saw this one in the theater, and BOY did it suck. I was expecting it to, and so was hubby, but he wanted to see it just because he saw “AVP.”

    The scene that got me the most was the part with the alien hybrids coming out of the stomachs of the pregnant women in the hospital. I’m 9 weeks pregnant at the point that I saw it, and it was something that I really did not want to see in my current condition. After that, I told my husband that I didn’t want to see any movie during my pregnancy that involved a character who got pregnant or was pregnant until after this one was born.

    Now, when they put it on DVD, did they correct the lighting problem with the fight scenes between the Aliens and the Predators? Those scenes were so dark in the theater that I couldn’t tell who the Predalien was or who was fighting.

  11. bmac said

    couldn’t tell who the Predalien was or who was fighting.

    No, they didn’t fix it, but it kind of highlighted how it didn’t matter who won.

  12. I like Santa

  13. Rosetta said

    If they make “Alien vs. Predator vs. Freddy vs. Jason vs. Transformers vs. Manbearpig vs. Jeff Foxworthy vs. Tree vs. Midget vs. Ottoman” I’ll see that for sure.

    *throws devil horns*

  14. Stormy70 said

    I loved National Treasure 2, I admit it up front and in a very honest way. Even I knew to avoid AVP 2 and I saw Deep Blue Sea in the theater (and I loved that movie, too.)

    Prince Caspian was great, as was Ironman.

    I do the Netflix, and half the movies I get are complete crap, and the Oscar nominated ones suck the hardest.

    I can’t wait for The Mummy 3 and Journey to the Center of the Earth. Really.

    I have to blame my love of crappy movies on my father, who took us to every crappy movie in the seventies and eighties.

  15. bmac said

    The Mummy movies ROCKED!

    I even liked “Scorpion King” although it made no sense at all in the context of the Mummy series.

    I like crappy movies too, which is why I rented AVP, but it redefined crap like a motherfucker. (Pardon my French)

  16. PattyAnn said

    I thought it was a pinwheel

  17. bmac said

    I thought it was a pinwheel

    An evil pinwheel.

  18. Tarkus said

    This reminds of my last movie experience which gave me an idea for the people at Comcast.

    I purchased “The Mist” through the Comcast on demand movie feature function. I was really wishing a warning window would have popped up saying “Warning, the movie you are about to purchase absolutely sucks balls! Are you sure you want to continue and wast your time and money on this piece of shit flick? Yes/No”

    Playstation 1 special effects, High school drama club type acting, and an attempted poignent depressing ending. Sorry, I am pretty pissed about the whole experience.

  19. bmac said

    Tarkus, would you have heeded the warning?

    The video store dude practically begged me not to rent AVP, but I knew better.

  20. Anonymous said

    Eh. Your right, probably not. It’s a pride thing I think – nothing tells me what to do, dammit! Funny, it was either The Mist or AVP that night. I guess I would have been fucked either way.

  21. mirc said

    Eh. Your right, probably not. It’s a pride thing I think

  22. Lee said

    75% of movies nowadays, and for the last 7 years, have 4 main themes: zombies, drugs and alcohol, sex, or military ops. God almighty, Americans are stupid.

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