Don’t Fire Bill Maher

Hi! Not blogging much, (at all) but I was looking through some of my old drafts, and came across this one that I thought was pretty funny, that I never posted for some reason. Not exactly ripped from todays headlines, but Bill Maher is a pathetic, unfunny Smurfheaded fuckface, so mocking him is always fun. This is from earlier in the year when Maher tried to be outrageous by comparing the Pope to a Nazi. A little exercise in creative writing. Enjoy!

Just ignore him.

Of course he’s not going to apologize, why would he do that? He lives for these kind of stupid “controversies.” It’s no wonder he and Ann Coulter are friends, I think they probably get together for “outrageous comment” brainstorming sessions. I imagine it like this:

Maher: “Having D.L. Hughley as a guest every week on a political show is killin’ me Ann. People get it, he’s black, and says “muthafucka” a lot. It doesn’t piss people off like it used to. They’re getting bored. I gotta outrage some Catholics….let’s see….Pedophilia jokes? That always pisses them off. How about…ummm….the Pope likes little Vienna sausages! Get it? He’s a German Pope! Little Vienna sausages! Vienna is German right? Oh man I’m fuckin’ brilliant! Hang on a second, I gotta get rid of this seventeen year old I scooped up at the Mansion last night, she thinks I’m Brad Pitts manager. How funny is that? I’m just glad I got her before Scott Baio got there, fuckin’ cock blocker. Ok, what do you got? And remember, I need a doozy, the hot and cold running underage poon ain’t flowin’ like it used to, know what I mean?”

Coulter: Let’s see, I already used “Faggot,” so I’m owning that one. Ummm…German Pope….German…German….Hitler! Everybody hates Hitler! Call him a pedophilic Hitler! Catholic League will come unglued. You’ll get like thirty more viewers easy. Wait, wait….I got something….Hitler…Hitler…liked dogs..no..no…painted a lot…no…was a Nazi…WAIT! THAT’S IT! NAZI!! Call him a Nazi! The Pope is a Nazi, and throw in some kind of faggy catch phrase like “Were here, were queer, get used to it.” But do not use the word “faggot,” it’s mine. Oh…one more thing…..call the Catholic Church a cult. That really freaks people out. That way you get everything in, Nazi, Gay Pedophilia, and Cult. No brainer. I just wish I could think of a way to get guns in there, but I’m just not feelin’ it.”

Maher: “You’re brilliant! If you were only 35 years younger, really stupid, and had giant fake cans, I could totally see us hookin’ up…like once…after a few cocktails. Pope……Nazi…..I hate Popes and Nazis! I can really add some plausible believability to this one, I might even title my next horrible HBO standup “Mein Pope!” That’ll get me like two more solid years of bangin’ stupid wannabe Playmates right off the bus that can’t find Scott Baio! I’ll get my pool boy right on hammering this out, he’s hilarious!”

Coulter: “Good luck! Gotta go, I’m working on a clever way to call Hillary a Cunt.

And…..End scene.

I hope you like my little attempt at creative writing there, I spent a whole 40 minutes on it. Maher is a jackass that goes out of his way to say outrageous things, because he’s not funny and he knows it. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Coulter fed him lines, she’s way funnier than he is. Have you ever noticed how similar their style is?

Attn: George Clooney Is Speaking

Hey actors, listen up!

In a two-page letter released Thursday, Clooney adopted a neutral stance in the dispute between the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists and the Screen Actors Guild.

“A two page letter.” How much did his last movie lose? If he’s gonna write a two page letter, it should be an apology for his career.

In the “Hatfield and McCoy” war between Sag and Aftra, George Clooney shows us his “mad diplomacy skillz”, and why even though he can’t give away tickets to his own films, or make money for anyone, or show any reason whatsoever why he has a careeer at all, he’s the “go to guy” for advice to actors who actually make movies people want to see.

Tom Hanks, Alec Baldwin and others have joined hundreds of actors in signing an online petition urging actors to ratify the AFTRA pact.

Meanwhile, Jack Nicholson, Viggo Mortensen and Holly Hunter have endorsed a SAG ad calling for AFTRA to return to the negotiating table to get a better deal.

Clooney called the fight counterproductive.

“Because the one thing you can be sure of is that stories about Jack Nicholson vs. Tom Hanks only strengthens the negotiating power” of the studios, he said.

Clooney also called on higher-paid actors to chip in a greater share of union dues and for 10 A-listers — “people that the studio heads don’t often say ‘no’ to,” he suggested, listing only Nicholson and Hanks by name — to sit down with studio heads once a year to “adjust the pay for actors.”

Ha! Easy for him to ask the higher paid actors to cough up more union dues, he’s not one of them. His socialist tendencies are showing. What a pompous, fucking blowhard. I bet Carrot Top is in a higher tax bracket than Clooney. Seriously, that red headed freak sells out his theatre in Vegas every single night. At the very least, Carrot Top is financially viable, which is more than anyone can say about Clooney, who’s career is effectively over after his last box office debacle, and he’s already played his “Tarrantino Card.”

I bet Tom Hanks and Jack Nicholson have been sitting on pins and needles waiting for word from Mt. Clooney, to sagely tell them how to run their careers.

Hulk Hogan Wants You To Feel Bad For His Family

Even though they seem to have no compassion whatsoever for the U.S. Soldier Nick Hogan turned into a vegetable.

Poor Nick Hogan. 6 months in jail. 6 whole months of his life of “drifting”, screwing hot chicks, and livin’ off his daddy….gone. And he won’t get it back for, well 6 whole months. What a disaster. What a fucking disaster.

I bet former U.S. Marine John Graziano would be pretty fucking happy to have the kind of problems Nick Hogan does right now, but he’s brain dead.

That doesn’t stop monumental douchebag and selfish crybaby bitch, Hulk Hogan, from whining about how hard this has been on poor Nick, and of course, himself.

“It was like the whole world [was] crashing down on my son,” Hogan explained, at times fighting back tears. “Solitary confinement — most hardened criminals unravel after two or three days. Nick survived in there 28, 29 days. During that period of time, as I’m sitting there, 28 or 29 days, hardly any sleep, I did everything I could, from laugh to cry with my son, to try to tell jokes, to try to be serious, to try to keep him present and aware and walking in the spirit of God and say, be grateful if we get a break. Be grateful if somebody hits us with another slam-dunk, be grateful that we know what is in front of us.

I’d say the whole world crashed down on John Graziano, and not your son, you fucking meatheaded piece of shit. This whole article goes on and on, with Hulk feeling sorry for himself and his useless spawn, and only at the very end, does he even acknowledge Graziano, and even then, he immediately brings it back to himself and his fuckface waste of sperm.

At one point, King asked Hogan if he felt in any way personally responsible for what happened to his son and Graziano, the wrestler said he did.

“It is a constant soul-searching mission,” he said. “We’re to a point with my life and everything that I have — I was almost in a situation where I’m not trying to be a control freak but, knowing what I had at hand with the family, being married 23 years, for everything just to disappear on me, for my wife to file for divorce and the marriage to be broken long before that, and then the accident happened and the civil case, and my son getting put in jail; I just soul-searched, figuring out what could I have done. It’s just hard.”

It just doesn’t get any more self-involved than that.

There’s a guy, a guy who seems to have actually done something with his life and served his country, lying brain dead, while Hulk cries Hulkadile Tears over a very generous 6 month sentence his Hulkaloser asshole son got for essentially killing someone.

They’re also apparently trying to broker some kind of reality TV deal out of all this too, and shame on whoever gives it to them.

They say hardship brings out your true character, and this has shown Hulk Hogan and his familys’ true character to be vapid, self involved, careless monsters.

Good luck buying your talentless daughter a singing career now Hulkster.

Oh wait, that can be something else you want us to weep for you about.

Spike Lee Is An Insufferable Jackass

“We’re not on a plantation”

Same ole same ole, Spike. Any criticism of you is tantamount to being a slave owner.

The only reason Spike Lee even has a career, is precisely because he’s black. If a white filmaker made the absolute shit Spike Lee does, his career would have ended around 1989. Hollywood feels obligated to produce films by Spike Lee, because they’re terrified of him, and of being labeled racists.

His answer to everything is racism, even when he’s become a very wealthy man producing awful movies no one wants to see. Let’s take a look at the awesome earning power of a “Spike Lee Joint.”

According to Wiki, he’s made about 20 movies, grossing approximately $366 million. Sounds great right? Well, that’s an average of 18.3 million per film. Lifetime. Including rentals spanning 20 years.

$18.3 million is a disastrous opening weekend for any film that has the level of distribution and budget Spike gets, let alone for lifetime earnings of a film. For a little perspective, let’s look at what just one of Clint Eastwoods films, “Million Dollar Baby” made. $220 million. In a year. That’s the equivalent of twelve Spike Lee films lifetime earnings.

His biggest, all time grossing movie? “inside Man” which grossed $88 million. You know why? Because Denzel Washington was in it. Because of Denzels star power, “Inside Man” doubled Spikes next highest earner, “Malcom X” starring surprise!……Denzel Washington, 16 years ago.

Spikes two (by far) highest grossing films, both star Denzel Washington. Let’s take Denzel out of the picture and see how well Spikes done without him. Without those two films, Spikes remaining 18 films, average about $12.7 million each.

Just in the interest of being thorough, Spikes third highest grossing film? “The Original Kings Of Comedy” ($38 million) which was no doubt carried by the comedians that were in this “concert” film, certainly not the director.

Subtract Spikes films that were carried by the talent on screen, and we’re down to about $11.3 million average for the remaining 17 films.

Not very impressive. Not very impressive at all. I don’t know of any other directors with that bleak of a 20 year record, that still get to make big budget studio films.

If Spike Lee were not black, he would have been run out of Hollywood a long time ago, because business wise, the guy is a total liability. Let’s face it, Spikes getting special treatment, and it’s not because he’s a gifted director.

Unfortunately, he succeeded in baiting Clint Eastwood into promoting his latest box office disaster, but it doesn’t matter, because no one is willing to sit through the incompetent mess that is a Spike Lee Joint. The numbers speak for themselves.

And Hollywood will gladly foot the bill for this douche, who has probably cost people their jobs to cover the expense of losing millions every time he makes a film, while becoming rich for having no discernible talent, or ability to earn.

Grrrl Power!

Barbara Walters exposes herself as the “Shameless media whore” she really is.

THE backlash has begun against Barbara Walters for admitting in her autobiography, “Audition,” to an adulterous affair 30 years ago with Edward Brooke, the then-married Massachusetts senator, while she was simultaneously seeing Alan “Ace“ Greenberg, who became chairman of Bear Stearns.

Example # 10,287 of too much information. Why would you reveal this stuff at 102 years old? To what end? What does she possibly have to gain by revealing what a soulless homewrecker she is?

My theory: She desperately wants to be “Hip,” like those awesome babes on “Sex And The City.” Check out this exchange:

“Barbara Walters is a shameless media whore,” says Marc Dice, spokesman for conservative media watchdog group The Resistance. “Barbara has now sunk to the very level of other attention-starved celebrities such as Paris Hilton or even Steve-O from ‘Jackass.’ “

The whores camp answered back thusly:

Walters’ spokeswoman, Cindi Berger, told Page Six: “This conservative watchdog seems to have lived a sheltered life in his doghouse.”

Yep, the conservative Marc Dice just ain’t down with OPP, so he’s “uptight.” I guess Marc Dice is just pissed because he couldn’t fuck his way to the top while wrecking marriages, like feminist slut Barbara Walters.

in “Audition,” Walters also reveals she broke up with Brooke only after Pete Peterson, the Blackstone Group founder who was Richard Nixon’s commerce secretary, told her that her bosses at NBC wouldn’t look kindly on her affair. But by the time she told Brooke it was over, he’d already asked his wife of 30 years for a divorce.

What a cunt. Carrie Bradshaw ain’t got nothin’ on Babs.

“Audition” also reveals that after breaking up with Brooke, Walters continued seeing Greenberg while also dating Alan Greenspan, the future Federal Reserve chairman.

Good grief, Barbara Walters was like a spooge sock for the rich and powerful.

Hawt.

That is, when she wasn’t destroying 30 year marriages.

Nice way to head into your twilight years with dignity there Babs.

Mahoney Heads

Man, nothing is remotely interesting lately. Is it just me? I’m bored to tears with politics, pop culture is blah, I don’t know, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and look what I found in the disgusting muck:

Internet Skank Tila Tequila Gets A Book Deal.

This is a hard one for me to understand. Not that she has a book, but why anyone is interested in this chick at all. Even by stripper standards, she’s a total skank. Seriously, if you think this chick is hot, they must love you at the discount topless bar.

She’s got a weird square jaw, a tiny mouth, giant eyes, and a really bad boob job. She sorta looks like an alien. An annoying alien with bad boobs. She’s just “off”, like a couple of chromosomes got mixed up during the hotness “quickening” before she was born.

We used to call these girls “Mahoney Heads.” That basically means, they kinda could be hot under the most ideal circumstances, like great lighting, just the right amount of Jagermiester, being 2 A.M.,  and standing next to a fat girl. They have an Ok body and hair, but the face is just……wrong. They also usually have a ridiculous amount of perfume, or body spray on, which should always be a big red flag.

Maybe it’s because she is so gross, that guys think she’s attainable. That must be it. Maybe there’s like three million dudes out there that think being her MySpace friend is the fast track to winning her undying skank love.

My favorite line from the article:

“The world cannot get enough of Tila Tequila,”

Mahoney Heads rejoice! Your time has come! Your Mohono-siah is here!

 

Too Much Good Stuff

I admit I’m lazy. I don’t scour the intertubes for interesting stuff, I pretty much go to Drudge/Bart. Today is an exceptional day over there.

First up-Hilarious gaffes from Hillary, and Golem Begala.

I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on,” she said in the interview, citing an article by The Associated Press.

It “found how Senator Obama’s support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me.”

Oooooof! Man it’s gotta feel great to vote Democrat!

Here’s Golem with his feel-good compliment to Dem voters:

Mr. Begala, a Clinton supporter, said the party could not win in November with just “eggheads and African-Americans,”

HaHaHaHaHa!!!! Flattery will get you everywhere Paul! Can you feel the love people? They really love Geeks, Rednecks, and *serious white guy voice* “African-Americans.”

Alec Baldwin considers political office!

No surprise here, it’s just pathetic that he will easily get elected in California. If I were running against him, my entire campaign would consist of constantly re-playing him losing his shit at his ten year old daughter, and only that. Just a picture of his “Mad Face” and that phone call on a continuous loop.

Josh Brolin does his best Wil Ferrell:

I already wrote about what a disaster this will be.

Truly a labor of hate. The only way this mess could lose more money would be to cast Al Franken. Step-Mommy must be beaming. Josh Brolin is finally starting to get some prime roles after like, 30 years, he must really hate Bush to be in this dog.

Tom Hanks Wants You To Know He Loves Black People!

UPDATED: because I thought of some more jokes.

Tom Hanks loves black people!!!!

Hey!! Everyone!!! Tom Hanks wants you to know he really loves black people!!!!

No really! He totally does! Really!!

Isn’t that great??!!! How great is that??!! I think it’s really great that Tom Hanks really, really, wants the next President to be Barack Obama, because he thinks it would be pretty neat if Barack Obama could get to be “President of a country that once said, people of his skin color were only 3/5ths of a human being.”

Oh yeah, and he also wants Hope-n-Change, or some shit.

What a condescending, self important prick Tom Hanks is. I especially like how he read his self written little “I know you’ve all been waiting breathlessly for me, the beloved Tom Hanks, to send word from the mountain who I’m voting for” bullshit like a third grader reading a report. Now THAT’S acting!

This little 2 and a half minute “endorsement” is so full of White Guilt, full blown Condescending Elitism, Fake Sincerity, utter cluelessness, and a world full of Unicorns and Rainbows, that it oughta be the “According to Hoyle” definition of a filthy rich white liberal.

Tom Hanks knows damn well he’s not going to sway a single voter that wasn’t already in Obama’s camp, and he even makes a little (fake) self-effacing comment to that effect at the beginning of this clip. This is all about you knowing that he’s “down.” It’s about you knowing he digs black people, and that has a cd in his Range Rover right now of Michael McDonald doing really great covers of classic R&B songs.

Hey DPUD, when you get your dictatorship, Hanks gets an extra special stock right in the middle of Compton.

Update!! Another celebrity endorsement!!! This one’s for Hillary!!

Hooch wieghs in with his guy!

Failing Upward With Al Franken

Comedian-Turned-Candidate Franken To Pay 70,000 In Back Taxes

There’s two things wrong here. First, referring to Al Franken as a “comedian.” Sorry, but being Lorne Michaels mercy fuck for 20 years does not qualify one as a “comedian.”

Second, how the fuck does this guy make enough money to owe $70,000? Who pays him? Why do they pay him? Al Franken has never succeeded at anything, ever. He produced the biggest bomb in SNL movie history, “Stuart Smalley,” and that’s saying something. More people were willing to sit through the cinematic nightmare of “It’s Pat!” than were willing to have to endure looking at Al Franken for 2 hours. “The Ladies Man” laughs at Al Franken. Chris fucking Kattan kicks Al Frankens ass at the box office. You just can’t fail more than that.

Oh wait, if you’re Al Franken, you certainly can fail more than that. Just get on the radio at Air America.

They used to broadcast about 2 hours a night of Frankens Air America show on Sundance late nights. I tried to watch it once. Once. They should use tapes of this on prisoners at Guantanamo. They’d be begging for the sweet relief of waterboarding. Franken is the albatross around the neck of hope, hope that you can make a dollar after hiring Al Franken.

Franken should be an adjective to describe losing your ass. Like, “Oh man, I got Franken’d in Vegas.” Or, “Damn, I bought stock in Segway Scooters, I totally got Franken’d” Or even, “Someone stole you credit cards? Cancel ’em before they Franken you!”

I am beyond baffled that anyone would actually pay Al Franken to do anything but NOT show up anywhere near anything that could have any possible potential of making any money whatsoever.

Minnesota, you’ve been warned. Do not get Franken’d.

This guy has been in the public eye for nearly 30 years, and has yet to do a single thing of note aside from being a total jackass loser.

Wait…now that I think about it, he’s MORE than qualified to be a U.S. Senator. 

Lowe Down Nanny Blues

Have you heard about this Rob Lowe/Nanny thing? He’s suing her for something or other, and she’s alleging sexual abuse or something. I don’t really care, but I’m not at all surprised the Lowes have a problem with a hot young nanny they hired to live with them.

I find the whole nanny culture interesting. It’s like buying a family member, or hiring a dog trainer to raise your children because those damn kids just don’t seem to understand that you have a fucking tanning appointment!

Here’s the other thing: If you just cannot give up afternoon cocktails, and shopping for just the right purse for your chiuaua, don’t hire a hot young live-in fuck buddy for your husband. Because unless your nanny (or for you east coasters, Aupair) looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, that’s pretty much the way it usually ends up.

Either that, or the hot young nanny becomes a paid for, live-in drinking/drug buddy for the wife. I’ve seen it happen. Basically, the kids are the lowest part of the priority totem pole when a nanny gets hired.

Why would a hot young chick even want to be a nanny? Probably because it’s easy. You get free room and board (usually very nice digs) some decent pocket money, and you hang out with spoiled kids who probably play Wii all day anyway. It’s just a little easier than being a stripper. And I’m pretty sure a good number of these chicks have designs on getting the old broad out, and becoming the new wife, with a built in family, and then they can be the ones having a drunken tanning session every day.

It pretty much never ends up like that.

If you hire a (hot young) relative stranger to be a live-in, de-facto “mom” to your children, I just have no sympathy for you when it all goes so predictably south.