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Don’t Fire Bill Maher

Posted by bmac on September 18, 2008

Hi! Not blogging much, (at all) but I was looking through some of my old drafts, and came across this one that I thought was pretty funny, that I never posted for some reason. Not exactly ripped from todays headlines, but Bill Maher is a pathetic, unfunny Smurfheaded fuckface, so mocking him is always fun. This is from earlier in the year when Maher tried to be outrageous by comparing the Pope to a Nazi. A little exercise in creative writing. Enjoy!

Just ignore him.

Of course he’s not going to apologize, why would he do that? He lives for these kind of stupid “controversies.” It’s no wonder he and Ann Coulter are friends, I think they probably get together for “outrageous comment” brainstorming sessions. I imagine it like this:

Maher: “Having D.L. Hughley as a guest every week on a political show is killin’ me Ann. People get it, he’s black, and says “muthafucka” a lot. It doesn’t piss people off like it used to. They’re getting bored. I gotta outrage some Catholics….let’s see….Pedophilia jokes? That always pisses them off. How about…ummm….the Pope likes little Vienna sausages! Get it? He’s a German Pope! Little Vienna sausages! Vienna is German right? Oh man I’m fuckin’ brilliant! Hang on a second, I gotta get rid of this seventeen year old I scooped up at the Mansion last night, she thinks I’m Brad Pitts manager. How funny is that? I’m just glad I got her before Scott Baio got there, fuckin’ cock blocker. Ok, what do you got? And remember, I need a doozy, the hot and cold running underage poon ain’t flowin’ like it used to, know what I mean?”

Coulter: Let’s see, I already used “Faggot,” so I’m owning that one. Ummm…German Pope….German…German….Hitler! Everybody hates Hitler! Call him a pedophilic Hitler! Catholic League will come unglued. You’ll get like thirty more viewers easy. Wait, wait….I got something….Hitler…Hitler…liked dogs..no..no…painted a lot…no…was a Nazi…WAIT! THAT’S IT! NAZI!! Call him a Nazi! The Pope is a Nazi, and throw in some kind of faggy catch phrase like “Were here, were queer, get used to it.” But do not use the word “faggot,” it’s mine. Oh…one more thing…..call the Catholic Church a cult. That really freaks people out. That way you get everything in, Nazi, Gay Pedophilia, and Cult. No brainer. I just wish I could think of a way to get guns in there, but I’m just not feelin’ it.”

Maher: “You’re brilliant! If you were only 35 years younger, really stupid, and had giant fake cans, I could totally see us hookin’ up…like once…after a few cocktails. Pope……Nazi…..I hate Popes and Nazis! I can really add some plausible believability to this one, I might even title my next horrible HBO standup “Mein Pope!” That’ll get me like two more solid years of bangin’ stupid wannabe Playmates right off the bus that can’t find Scott Baio! I’ll get my pool boy right on hammering this out, he’s hilarious!”

Coulter: “Good luck! Gotta go, I’m working on a clever way to call Hillary a Cunt.

And…..End scene.

I hope you like my little attempt at creative writing there, I spent a whole 40 minutes on it. Maher is a jackass that goes out of his way to say outrageous things, because he’s not funny and he knows it. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Coulter fed him lines, she’s way funnier than he is. Have you ever noticed how similar their style is?

Posted in Celebutard, Idiots, Pop Culture, Sarcasm, T.V. | 4 Comments »

Testicular Television

Posted by bmac on May 19, 2008

L.A. Times writer Mary McNamara practically defines Elitism in this silly article about reality T.V. and the middle class.

Discovery Channel recently announced that men ages 18 to 49 ranked “The Deadliest Catch” No. 3 among all prime-time television on Tuesday night, beating out “Dancing With the Stars” and “Shark” in the demographic.

Really? “Deadliest Catch” beat “Dancing With The Stars” among men 18-49? SHOCKER!!

Those damp and colorful Alaskan fishermen are just part of the hyper-masculine subgenre emerging on reality television. Discovery also has Deadliest CatchDirty Jobs,” which explores unsung laborers like the road-kill collector and the steel-mill worker. Over on the History Channel, “Ice Road Truckers” follows the fate of big rigs navigating short-lived ice roads in the Arctic, and “Ax Men” pays homage to modern-day lumberjacks, while the new “It’s Tougher in Alaska” compiles a greatest-hits list: gold mining, salmon fishing, trucking, railroading, even waste management will each get their own episode.

Ok, first of all, “Hyper-Masculine” (emphasis mine). Obviously, to a female writer for the L.A. Times, any man that isn’t a flaming metrosexual that gets their eyebrows waxed and wears $400 shoes, has to be, by definition, “Hyper-Masculine.” Second, all those other shows that are not “Deadliest Catch” are flopping big time. Discovery is just trying to copy itself, by throwing any show about dangerous jobs against the wall to see what sticks, it’s not like it’s a trend.

Third, “Deadliest Catch” is popular because only a handful of guys in the entire world actually do that job, (for good reason), and that is what makes it compelling. “Ice Road Truckers?” Not so much.

The folks are mostly men, all rugged, real and capable, proof that Americans are still capable of living by their wits and the strength in their calloused, competent hands. Call it testicular television.

Oh. Fucking. Brother. “Testicular Television.” I guarantee you this bitch has the “Sex And The City” box set on her person at all times. In fact, she mentions it at least 3 times in this article. Also, she uses the word “capable” twice in one sentence.

The article just goes on and on, as the writer routinely confuses the middle class with the working poor. To her, the middle class are people who “Lose a days work because some bit of machinery goes missing” or “A family of six living in a tiny aluminum-sided rancher on a treeless lot.”

Her entire frame of reference of the middle class is based around T.V. shows that only women and gay guys watch, like “SATC”, “Ugly Betty” and “Greys Anatomy.” A completely twisted worldview that only a female writer from the L.A. Times can capture in a snobby, elitist, sentence like this one, where she seems very sad about the plight of reality T.V. families who are not enlightened T.V. writers for the L.A. Times.

when you bring cameras into people’s homes and lives, there’s no ignoring the beat-up carpet that the family cannot afford to replace, the rickety computer station in the middle of the living room, the jobs that involve hours of monotonous hard work, the emotional toll of trying to balance work and family without affordable day care.

Who do you think this chick will vote for? The fake empathy just drips off the page.

Women in media have emasculated men to such a degree, that any man that is not a fashion designer, or “McDreamy,” are “Hyper-Masculine,” and shows not about powerful or slutty women are “Testicular Television,” instead of just an interesting show about guys that do an interesting and dangerous job.

Posted in Pop Culture, T.V. | 29 Comments »

Jericho Cancelled Again, Good Riddence

Posted by bmac on March 26, 2008

I really liked the first season of Jericho. With a small town in Kansas trying to survive after a mysterious nuclear attack against the United States, it had a conservative bent to it that was a breath of fresh air. It of course got cancelled, and when fans of the show sent thousands of bags of peanuts to CBS in protest, they resurrected it for a second season.

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Unfortunately, the second season did a 180, and became a moonbatty, very thinly veiled, paranoid liberal indictment of Haliburton, in which the fictional company “Jennings and Rall” turn out to be the conspirators in the nuclear attack on America in order to seize power.

Gee thanks CBS, for turning what could have been a great show into a Kos-worthy liberal wank-fest. I have no doubt the people who saved it in the first place were overwhelmingly Republican, but CBS is apparently not aware Republicans actually exist, and responded to their core fans by turning the show into a steaming pile of liberal shit.

Nuts.

Posted in T.V. | 9 Comments »

It’s Official, MSM Called Out On SNL For Bias

Posted by bmac on March 23, 2008

I gotta say, SNL has risen from the dead yet again, the last couple years have been pretty good. The quality improved almost from the very moment the ridiculously over-rated, unfunny, Tina Fey left the show. Ditto for the slightly funnier, but still not as funny as he thinks he is, Jimmy Fallon, who seems to have dropped off the face of the Earth. That’s what you get for doing an “action” movie with Queen Latifah, dumbass. Who’s your agent, Tina Fey?

Speaking of Tina Fey, she hosted last night, and while the majority of last nights show sucked, (no doubt due to the Fey factor) the opening was hilarious, a parody of a Clinton/Obama debate on CNN, where they openly admitted their bias, and swooned over Obama. Questions to Obama were things like “Can I get you anything?” They even threw in a “picked at random” question from the audience, asked by the “Obama Girl” from YouTube. Totally nailed it.

I tried to find last nights opening on YouTube, but I couldn’t, maybe I just don’t know how to search it, but if you can find it, let me know.

So there you go leftards, can we just stop pretending the MSM is not an arm of the Democratic Party now? Once it’s been skewered on the left-leaning SNL, you can’t pretend it doesn’t exist any more.

Oh, and HAPPY EASTER!

Posted in Politics, T.V. | 2 Comments »

Hef No Longer A Pimp

Posted by bmac on March 14, 2008

I’m bored with the news today, and I read an interesting little post at one of my favorite blogs, Rants and Raves, about Hugh Hefner. I like Hef, everybody does, but have you seen his reality show on E!, or I should say his girlfriends (3) reality show on E! called “The Girls Next Door”?

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If you haven’t, the short and curly of it is, Hef has three “girlfriends” that live at the Playboy mansion, (in their own rooms) and I guess they alternate nights or something, in a kind of harem type of dealie, and the show follows their hilarious antics as basically paid prostitutes. Unless twenty-something hot blonde chicks are really into an 82 year old man and his fogey friends who get together on “movie night” to watch Casablanca for the 10,000th time.

The show is entertaining, obviously, because the chicks are smokin’ hot, but there’s a couple things I don’t get.

1. Why does Hef have to support these girls? Their only redeeming quality seems to be their hotness, they really are dumb as a box of rocks, and Hef could have hot and cold running hotness any day of the week. He can’t possibly be keeping them around for conversation. They also seem to be in a state of arrested development, these girls are in their late-twenties, and their rooms all look like Hello-Kitty exploded, all pink and fuzzy and child like. It’s kind of creepy really.

2. This show kind of makes Hef look like a desperate old man that has to support his young girlfriends in order to keep them around. I understand this show probably makes a pretty decent amount of cash for Hef, but damn, to me at least, he’s lost all pimp cred by footing the bill for these gold digging nitwits. I mean, couldn’t he pay for an apartment for them off campus? Just have them sit there like good little ho’s until the Viagra kicks in?

Cause that’s what he’s doing now, except the entire Playboy mansion staff has to wait on these Barbie Dolls hand and foot. That must really piss them off. I just can’t understand why Hef would be cool with looking like a lame sugar daddy.

3. These girls families make appearances on the show occasionally, including their fathers, and I just have to wonder about advertising on national TV that your daughter is Hef’s live in fuck buddy. I guess some dudes have no shame if it means getting near Hef.

I really wonder what the arrangement Hef has with these girls is? He’s gonna die soon. Do they get kicked to the curb? That’ll be a blow to 3 girls who are used to calling up the Chef at all hours to have him whip up a Pop-Tart. Do they get a nice severance package when Hef goes to the grotto in the sky? If so, why? How would his daughter (who runs the empire) feel about sharing the Hefner fortune with 3 idiots whose only purpose was to look pretty, and bone her dad when he was so inclined?

These are tough questions, but I’m incredibly bored.

Posted in Crazy Old People, It's Friday, T.V. | 5 Comments »

Journeyman Cancelled, NBC Sucks

Posted by bmac on December 21, 2007

I watch a lot of TV. Way too much. Many more important things go unattended while I bask in the warm glow of the idiot box. It makes me happy. I have an extensive list of favorite shows, and one of those shows was NBC’s Journeyman, which after only 12 episodes, has been cancelled, due to low ratings.

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If you’ve never seen Journeyman, well….it’s too late. If you like time-travelly sci-fi with interesting twists and good characters, you probably would have loved this show, but alas, it apparently didn’t get the monster audience of absolute dreck like……Medium, which will be in it’s place next week.

I’m as pro-capitalist as one could be, but at some point, everything shouldn’t always be about the bottom line only, particularly artistic ventures. This is the same attitude that has killed the music industry. If an artist doesn’t sell 10 million copies of their debut CD, they won’t get a second chance, move on to the next one. Sorry, no time for developing an artist.

 Same with TV shows. While a really unique drama like this gets cancelled, total bullshit like “CSI Wherever The Fuck” and “Law and Order-Parking Patrol” just go on and on.

Fans of this show are trying to save it by using a “Jericho” type of campaign of sending boxes of Rice-a-Roni to NBC (the show is set in San Fran), but I think it’s already too late, as all the actors have been released from their contracts, and are probably already working elsewhere.

Posted in Pop Culture, T.V. | 22 Comments »

Cable Channel Almost Admits Bias…Almost

Posted by bmac on November 6, 2007

Cable Channel Nods To Ratings And Leans Left.

Riding a ratings wave from “Countdown With Keith Olbermann,” a program that takes strong issue with the Bush administration, MSNBC is increasingly seeking to showcase its nighttime lineup as a welcome haven for viewers of a similar mind.

A “ratings wave?”  Olberman pulls about 400,000 viewers a night. That’s not even a ratings ripple. For contrast, Katie Couric on CBS is a dismal failure, pulling 6 million a night. O’Reilly gets about 2 million, more than the entire MSNBC prime time lineup combined.  And really, 2 million viewers in a nation of 300 million ain’t exactly blockbuster numbers. I’d bet reruns of “That 70’s Show” regularly out-preform O’Reilly.

Having a prime-time lineup that tilts ever more demonstrably to the left could be risky for General Electric, MSNBC’s parent company, which is subject to legislation and regulation far afield of the cable landscape. Officials at MSNBC emphasize that they never set out to create a liberal version of Fox News.

“It happened naturally,” Phil Griffin, a senior vice president of NBC News who is the executive in charge of MSNBC, said Friday, referring specifically to the channel’s passion and point of view from 7 to 10 p.m. “There isn’t a dogma we’re putting through. There is a ‘Go for it.’”

 Yeah, “Go for it.”  If any fewer people were watching MSNBC, they could just blog it, and save all that money on TV production. And if Hillary gets elected? Might as well shut it down. Typical lefty idea of success, just like Air America.

Posted in Idiots, T.V. | 2 Comments »

Dog Chapman, And Talking Like Children

Posted by bmac on November 2, 2007

I haven’t been paying too much attention to this Dog Chapman controversy, but this story caught my eye.

Dog’s son sold his ass out. In my opinion, his son is the villian here, for being a money grubbing piece of shit. I pesonally could care less if Dog used the “N-word” in a private conversation, the guy is a fucking bounty hunter for God’s sake! He’s done hard time, used to be a criminal, why is anyone shocked by this?

You know who else sucks? A&E, who suspended production of his show, because of his use of the “N-Word,” and yes, let’s talk like 4 year-olds. “N-word, B-word,(bitch) F-word(faggot),” I’m sick of this infantile language. I’d prefer if they said “racial epithet” or “gender epithet” or anything other than the language you talk to a 2nd grader in. I get dumber every time I read a story with that bullshit in it, and I can’t afford to get much more dumberer.

Dog Chapman is a wacky guy, no doubt, but he seems to do a lot of positive things in his community, and his show is one of the few on TV that has a slightly conservative message. In my opinion, the good he does far outweighs his private use of a “racial epithet” in a heated conversation with his own son. So let’s sacrifice any positive efforts of Dog Chapman on the alter of Politcal Correctness before he helps anyone else get off drugs, or maybe even inspire someone to (Gasp!) pray, something he does often with his family on his show.

Posted in Pop Culture, T.V. | Leave a Comment »

Ken Burns “The War”

Posted by bmac on September 27, 2007

I’ve been watching this all week, and while it’s getting a lot of criticism from conservatives (some justified), I’m gonna let it play out before I dismiss it outright.

This was made by a liberal, for PBS. So ya gets what ya gets.

For me, episode 3 was the worst offender so far. It focused a lot of time on the racism of the 40’s. Yeah, we all know Ken, racism was common then. It was a different time, a different world, we’ve all changed. My beef is, this stuff has no relevance to the story being told. Everything comes to a screeching halt, so we can all reflect on the fact that racism is bad.  Harping on and on about segregated troops does not move the story forward one iota. Segregated or not, all the soldiers served their country, let’s go from there.

My next problem with this doc is, it seems almost to revel in American incompetence, at least in the early stages of the war. This is where I’m conflicted. If this is to be a comprehensive documentary, then yeah, I think this stuff needs to be addressed. We made a lot of huge mistakes in WW2. A lot. But that’s going to happen in a war of that magnitude, a war so big we can’t even begin to comprehend anything like it today. But Allied victories, which were many, are treated by this doc with a shrug, or a “Yes we won the battle, but at a horrible cost.”

There was some redemption in episode 4, which showed the brutality of the Japanese prison camps, and especially their brutality to civilian prisoners. Not that I like seeing that stuff, but let’s focus on the pure evil our men were dying to defeat, instead of our shortcomings, which were few.

It’s still pretty fascinating though, and I’ll watch the whole thing, and I’m especially curious how they’ll treat the finding of the first few concentration camps.

I also have this horrible habit of constantly editing my posts. I guess that makes it more fun to come back and read again.

Posted in T.V. | 8 Comments »