Don’t Fire Bill Maher

Hi! Not blogging much, (at all) but I was looking through some of my old drafts, and came across this one that I thought was pretty funny, that I never posted for some reason. Not exactly ripped from todays headlines, but Bill Maher is a pathetic, unfunny Smurfheaded fuckface, so mocking him is always fun. This is from earlier in the year when Maher tried to be outrageous by comparing the Pope to a Nazi. A little exercise in creative writing. Enjoy!

Just ignore him.

Of course he’s not going to apologize, why would he do that? He lives for these kind of stupid “controversies.” It’s no wonder he and Ann Coulter are friends, I think they probably get together for “outrageous comment” brainstorming sessions. I imagine it like this:

Maher: “Having D.L. Hughley as a guest every week on a political show is killin’ me Ann. People get it, he’s black, and says “muthafucka” a lot. It doesn’t piss people off like it used to. They’re getting bored. I gotta outrage some Catholics….let’s see….Pedophilia jokes? That always pisses them off. How about…ummm….the Pope likes little Vienna sausages! Get it? He’s a German Pope! Little Vienna sausages! Vienna is German right? Oh man I’m fuckin’ brilliant! Hang on a second, I gotta get rid of this seventeen year old I scooped up at the Mansion last night, she thinks I’m Brad Pitts manager. How funny is that? I’m just glad I got her before Scott Baio got there, fuckin’ cock blocker. Ok, what do you got? And remember, I need a doozy, the hot and cold running underage poon ain’t flowin’ like it used to, know what I mean?”

Coulter: Let’s see, I already used “Faggot,” so I’m owning that one. Ummm…German Pope….German…German….Hitler! Everybody hates Hitler! Call him a pedophilic Hitler! Catholic League will come unglued. You’ll get like thirty more viewers easy. Wait, wait….I got something….Hitler…Hitler…liked dogs..no..no…painted a lot…no…was a Nazi…WAIT! THAT’S IT! NAZI!! Call him a Nazi! The Pope is a Nazi, and throw in some kind of faggy catch phrase like “Were here, were queer, get used to it.” But do not use the word “faggot,” it’s mine. Oh…one more thing…..call the Catholic Church a cult. That really freaks people out. That way you get everything in, Nazi, Gay Pedophilia, and Cult. No brainer. I just wish I could think of a way to get guns in there, but I’m just not feelin’ it.”

Maher: “You’re brilliant! If you were only 35 years younger, really stupid, and had giant fake cans, I could totally see us hookin’ up…like once…after a few cocktails. Pope……Nazi…..I hate Popes and Nazis! I can really add some plausible believability to this one, I might even title my next horrible HBO standup “Mein Pope!” That’ll get me like two more solid years of bangin’ stupid wannabe Playmates right off the bus that can’t find Scott Baio! I’ll get my pool boy right on hammering this out, he’s hilarious!”

Coulter: “Good luck! Gotta go, I’m working on a clever way to call Hillary a Cunt.

And…..End scene.

I hope you like my little attempt at creative writing there, I spent a whole 40 minutes on it. Maher is a jackass that goes out of his way to say outrageous things, because he’s not funny and he knows it. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Coulter fed him lines, she’s way funnier than he is. Have you ever noticed how similar their style is?

I’m Back (Mostly)

Howdy Y’all!

Things are starting to return to normal around here, although the definition of normal would be more like: no major life-altering developments in at least two whole weeks, as opposed to “normal.” We have to establish a whole new normal before things can actually be normal, if that makes any sense.

Let’s see, what’s happened since I’ve been gone?

Universities seem to be one of the most dangerous places to be these days. If my wife and I had kids in college, they’d be armed. “Gun free zone” or not. What exactly are universities doing to reassure parents that their kid won’t be assassinated during English Lit? College campuses are becoming fucking killing fields, and campus security ain’t gonna risk their $10.00/hr asses to do anything about a murderous kid with a death wish.

Hell, the police won’t either. By the time they’ve finished their “risk assessment,” 500 rounds have been fired.

I’ll never forget a video I saw from Columbine of the SWAT team inching their way across the cafeteria with full body armor and shields. It must have taken them a full half hour to cross that cafeteria the way they were moving. Pathetic. Am I insane, or when kids are getting shot, should some cops have enough balls to run in ala Jack Bauer and fucking handle it? 400 cops outside staring at maps while kids are being picked off like bugs. Has bureaucracy taken away all the basic instincts to help people that are being murdered while literally hundreds of law enforcement stand there and listen to it happen?

Let’s see, what else? Obama’s gonna be the Dem nominee. The Paris Hilton of politics, famous for doing nothing. Even his biggest supporters stumble when asked what he’s ever accomplished. I gotta admit, I didn’t see that one coming. It does make sense though, who really thought that screechy, shrill, awful woman could get elected? Above all else, a Presidential candidate has to have a likeable personality. Well, except maybe Nixon. But every other President in my lifetime has been someone the average American would like to have a beer with. Or a cigar (IYKWIM) It’s a popularity contest more than anything, and Obama is the cool, good lookin’ head of the debate team guy, to Hillary’s dorky, angry, band-camp chick.

Obama will be crushed in the general. Crushed. But the media will fudge the numbers somehow, so it doesn’t look like America is full of redneck hillbillies.

Eventually, he’ll have to talk about something other than vague platitudes, and that will do him in.

That, and the fact that he’s black. With a Muslim name. Trust me, even Democrats will think twice when they step into that voting booth and see the name “Barack Hussein Obama” on the ballot they’re about to cast. And then they’ll promptly lie about it to pollsters.

Obama will have the highest exit poll numbers in history.

The media will be scratching their collective heads when the actual numbers get tallied. It’ll be the old “but everybody I know voted for him.”

Bono Will Save Africa With Giant Sunglasses

I hate to just always bitch on this blog, but hey, isn’t that what blogging’s all about when you get right down to it? Nobody really wants to hear bitching in person, not even me, because….it’s depressing. But on a blog, bitching can be viewed as creative criticism. Yeah, creative criticism, I like that. I am a creative critic.

I just can’t help myself, so many things just seem so stupid to me. Where a normal person views an event with relative “meh,” I view the same event as an assault on my intelligence, and I’m not even close to what I would consider intelligent. I do feel I have an abundance of common sense however, which is very different from intelligence. Anybody who reads this blog has to be able to sense that I don’t have a college education, not that I’m ashamed of that, but I’m sure it comes through, especially to some of the very smart people I know that read this blog. Just the way I put together sentences is probably an affront to anyone who had an English class in college, but what the hell, I’m just putting my twisted view of the world out there, and I hope I make some observations you may not have, albeit in a pretty sarcastic tone.

Speaking of which: Frigging Bono. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick to death of Bono, and his quest to fix Africa. He just visited the Pentagon to discuss Africa, and if your gonna talk to someone about Africa at the Pentagon, who better than the lead singer of a rock band.

You know, because as a billionaire world famous celebrity, he’s got the story of what’s really going on. Nobody could ever possibly mislead the mighty friggen Bono about poverty in Africa, because he’s probably got people for that. People who vet all the information given to the mega famous, super wealthy, giant sunglass wearing singer. He just has to be the absolute best possible authority on the subject of poverty in Africa, because you know, he goes there a lot. And he was in Live Aid. And most of all, he cares. He really, really cares.

Let’s not talk about the fact that Live Aid may have taken more lives than it saved,as ruthless dictators used much of the food to feed their militias. That’s not important. What’s important is that Bono and Bob Geldof shed tears, for Africa, and damn it, they did something. They found time in their busy schedules to help people. Might have been the wrong people, but let’s not nitpick. Caring is what matters, and people like Bono and Geldof care more than you.

 

Bono, or Geddy Lee?

We should acknowledge that caring by having Bono be the keynote speaker at every important facility or event, regarding the subject of Africa, because nobody remembers who Bob Geldof is, and let’s face it, he’s probably broke these days, and washed up pop stars opinions are not as informed as someone who’s last album went quadruple platinum, and to my knowledge, Geldof doesn’t own a even single pair of giant sunglasses.

Has Bono helped people? I’m sure he has, and that’s a good thing, but for a mega pop star to be the “go to” guy on the subject of an entire continent, is just stupid, in my humble opinion. Not to mention the fact that many responsible African leaders have called for a stop to some of this global welfare, so that Africans can begin to take a more active role in their own survival.

See? Creative criticism. Not bitching.

I Aplogise For This Post

The Philippines want an apology from “Desperate Housewives,” for the line:

“can I check those diplomas because I want to make sure that they’re not from some med school in the Philippines.”

ABC better get their apology A-team on this before the streets become rivers of blood. Pissed off Filipino med students ain’t no joke.

Enough with the apologies already. And the demanding of apologies. Do they even mean anything anymore? They’ve become Verbal Rehab. Michael Vick apologises for slaughtering dogs. Cool, I guess I was wrong, I thought you were a soulless piece of shit, but you apologised. All better now!

They’re demanding Rush apologise. Imus apologised his ass off, and look what that got him. Michael Richards apologised directly to Jesse Jackson, how’s that workin’ out Mike?

Nobody wants to actually accept an apology, and the people offering them don’t actually mean it, so maybe every word or action should just come with a pre-apology so we can all save a lot of time. 

Former Cheerleader Expresses “Thoughts”

In a surprisingly candid moment, Katie Couric revealed she’s not super crazy about the war in Iraq:

Speaking at the National Press Club Tuesday evening, CBS “Evening News” anchor Katie Couric pulled back the curtain on her personal views of both the war in Iraq and former “Evening News” anchor Dan Rather.

Ok, get ready for some curtain pullin’.

“The whole culture of wearing flags on our lapel and saying ‘we’ when referring to the United States and, even the ‘shock and awe’ of the initial stages, it was just too jubilant and just a little uncomfortable. And I remember feeling, when I was anchoring the ‘Today’ show, this inevitable march towards war and kind of feeling like, ‘Will anybody put the brakes on this?’ And is this really being properly challenged by the right people? And I think, at the time, anyone who questioned the administration was considered unpatriotic and it was a very difficult position to be in.”

BAM! Curtain pulled bitch!  You know, she showed so much bravery remaining perky in the face of all that awful “patriotism” that was rammed down her throat. Perky is more than just a word, it’s a way of life. And Katie lives perky baby.

   “I “think” stuff.”

War Is Bad (We Are Stupid)

Hollywood is getting ready to release a slew of anti-war films, so I guess the McCarthy-like, liberty killing oppression of the Patriot Act is finally over. Let’s take a look at some of the Oscar nominated films we’ll be seeing soon.
On Sept. 14, Warner Independent Pictures expects to release “In the Valley of Elah,” a drama inspired by the Davis murder, (Davis, an Iraq war veteran, was killed by 2 fellow veterans) written and directed by Paul Haggis, whose “Crash” won the Academy Award for best picture in 2006. The film stars Tommy Lee Jones as a retired veteran who defies Army bureaucrats and local officials in a search for his son’s killers. In one of the movie’s defining images, the American flag is flown upside down in the heartland, the signal of extreme distress.
Wow, sounds great. Anti-war, Anti-soldier, and an upside down American Flag. Just put a retard in there, and OSCAR GOLD!
Other coming films also use the damaged Iraq veteran to raise questions about a continuing war. In “Grace Is Gone,” directed by James C. Strouse and due in October from the Weinstein Company, John Cusack and two daughters struggle with the loss of a wife and mother who is killed on duty. Kimberly Peirce’s “Stop-Loss,” set for release in March by Paramount, meanwhile, casts Ryan Phillippe as a veteran who defies an order that would send him back to Iraq.
Awesome! A rollicking fun time for all! An effeminate Mr. Mom (Cusack) and a deserter (the super hot Ryan Phillipe). Each of these movies will accomplish 3 things for sure :
1) They will bomb horribly.
2) They will be nominated for, and will probably win, Oscars.
3) Most importantly, they will show us, the Inbred Redneck Hillbillies that Hollywood believes we all are, that:
1) War is really bad.
2) War, (which is really bad), has consequences that Inbred Redneck Hillbillies like you never consider while you’re cleaning you’re gun collection, and listening to country music.
3) War is bad. Only Inbred Redneck Hillbillies would ever go to war, ever, cause war is bad.

They Will Save The World!

So Al Gore is out pimping his “Live Earth” concerts, that I’m sure will finally bring some attention to something we rarely hear about; Global Warming. At long last, this under-reported looming catastrophe will get the spotlight it deserves, and believe me, when Madonna and Coldplay talk about this stuff from a concert stage, people will listen. In between setting bonfires, drinking copious amounts of beer, and groping crowd-surfers, the concerned concert-goers will definitely get some sort of message, of some sort of problem, that they will really want to fix, as soon as the beer is gone. I have no doubt that they will change the world! Rock on socially conscious drunken bonfire setting crowd surfer groper dude, Rock on!