Best Of bmac

‘Sup?

Yes, this blog is all but dead. Surprisingly, people still come here. Random searches mostly, and some new retards from The Hostages who weren’t around when this place was active. For all my new freinds who are too lazy to troll through the archives, I thought I’d put together a “Best Of” so people wouldn’t think I was always the miserable bastard the last month or so of the posting I did before I stopped seemed to represent.

To access the comments, just click on the title of the post.

I wanted to give an overview of what I did here for a year and a half.

Hope you like it!

First, let’s do funny:

Ummm…We Already Have A Michael Moore…But Thanks

Posted by bmac on April 17, 2008

Morgan Spurlock, the handlebar moustached Moore wannabe jackass, has made a timely movie about..get this..where is Bin Laden. Oh man, that’s really edgy dude! (If you don’t remember him, he made the anti-McDonalds “Super-Size Me”)

See? He’s “looking” for Bin Laden! HaHaHaHaHa!!! What a card!

You know what’s the most offensive thing about this guy? His totally condescending use of facial hair. You know damn well he wouldn’t have that dumb ass moustache if it wasn’t an outright slap in the face to the very people he claims (like Moore) to be “for.”

Attention any lost soul who thinks this guy is on your side: He’s mocking you. His moustache is a direct “fuck you” right to your face. His moustache thinks your moustache is is a dumb hick. His moustache is a poser. Your moustache would kick his moustaches ass if your moustache knew what his moustache really thinks of you.

His moustache drinks Pino, and eats stinky foreign cheese, and really likes it. His moustache wouldn’t drink a Bud if it were dying of thirst, and wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, because his moustache is a big city “ironic” handlebar moustache, and if there’s anything his moustache really hates, it’s inbred hillbilly non-ironic handlebar moustaches that are on fire.

Don’t be fooled middle American handle bar moustaches, Morgan Spurlock’s moustache just wants to use you to finance his expensive tastes in everything you probably don’t like, and it’s laughing at you, as only a rich, ironic, New York City handlebar moustache can.

You’ve been warned.

Update: Thanks Cuffy, and hello LGF’ers!

Help yourself to a beer, they’re in the fridge.

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That retarded post actually got linked to LGF, via Cuffy Meigs.

How about some Franken Abuse, that was always fun:

Failing Upward With Al Franken

Posted by bmac on April 30, 2008

Comedian-Turned-Candidate Franken To Pay 70,000 In Back Taxes

There’s two things wrong here. First, referring to Al Franken as a “comedian.” Sorry, but being Lorne Michaels mercy fuck for 20 years does not qualify one as a “comedian.”

Second, how the fuck does this guy make enough money to owe $70,000? Who pays him? Why do they pay him? Al Franken has never succeeded at anything, ever. He produced the biggest bomb in SNL movie history, “Stuart Smalley,” and that’s saying something. More people were willing to sit through the cinematic nightmare of “It’s Pat!” than were willing to have to endure looking at Al Franken for 2 hours. “The Ladies Man” laughs at Al Franken. Chris fucking Kattan kicks Al Frankens ass at the box office. You just can’t fail more than that.

Oh wait, if you’re Al Franken, you certainly can fail more than that. Just get on the radio at Air America.

They used to broadcast about 2 hours a night of Frankens Air America show on Sundance late nights. I tried to watch it once. Once. They should use tapes of this on prisoners at Guantanamo. They’d be begging for the sweet relief of waterboarding. Franken is the albatross around the neck of hope, hope that you can make a dollar after hiring Al Franken.

Franken should be an adjective to describe losing your ass. Like, “Oh man, I got Franken’d in Vegas.” Or, “Damn, I bought stock in Segway Scooters, I totally got Franken’d” Or even, “Someone stole you credit cards? Cancel ‘em before they Franken you!”

I am beyond baffled that anyone would actually pay Al Franken to do anything but NOT show up anywhere near anything that could have any possible potential of making any money whatsoever.

Minnesota, you’ve been warned. Do not get Franken’d.

This guy has been in the public eye for nearly 30 years, and has yet to do a single thing of note aside from being a total jackass loser.

Wait…now that I think about it, he’s MORE than qualified to be a U.S. Senator. 

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How about some Global Warming:

Gaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! Part 2-OMFG!!!!!!!!

Posted by bmac on June 13, 2008

Ted Turner predicted global cannibalism. Now ABC News wants you to shit your pants over global warming.

I guess since we don’t really have to worry about global thermonuclear war anymore, a one degree rise in the Earths temperature will just have to be scary enough.

Are we living in the last century of our civilization? Is it possible that all of our technology, knowledge and wealth cannot save us from ourselves? Could our society actually be heading towards collapse?

Gaaaahhh!!!! OMFG!!!!!

According to many of the world’s top scientists, the answer is yes, unless we take action now.

Now? Like right now? Cause I got a barbeque to go to later.

Experts say that extreme changes in climate, combined with dwindling resources, famine, war and disease have the potential to create a post-apocalyptic world in less than a hundred years. Harvard University and Woods Hole climatologist John Holdrens says we cannot continue going down the same path.

GAAAAAHHHH!!!!! OMFG!!! *furiously putting empty Coke can in recycle bin*

“If we continue on business as usual, we are going to see more floods, more droughts, more heat waves, more wildfires, more ice melting, faster sea level rise,” Holdren said.

So WE control the weather? We can stop floods and droughts, (wait…floods AND droughts?) I wish somebody had told me we controlled the weather before I had to deal with a couple rainy days on my last vacation.

Ok, I’m calming down, we can stop the Apocalypse, it’s within our power to stave off the END OF THE WORLD. I’m feeling a little better, tell me more ABC.

“We really have less than a decade to start getting this right. If we’re still dragging our feet in 2015 I think it really becomes at that point almost impossible for the world to avert a degree of climate change that we simply will not be able to manage without intolerable cost and consequences.”

Gaaaahhhhh!!!!!! OMFG!!!!! 2015 people!!! Seven years!!! Seven years to “Start getting it right” or we’re all DOOMED, DOOMED!!!!!!!

Everything that’s ever happened in the history of mankind swings in the balance of the next seven years. All we’ve done, all we’ve created, all we are will CEASE TO EXIST, if we don’t do……… something or other, by 2015. Listen to me now people, if you care at all about the very future of mankind, you better start doing whatever the fuck “getting it right” means, and you better start doing whatever that may be IMMEDIATELY!!

I’m starting now, I’m gonna start “getting it right” this very minute.

Just as soon as I figure out what the fuck that even means.

*Cross posted at DPUD*

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Legalizing Marijuana:

Dude…That’s My Skull!

Posted by bmac on April 21, 2008

“4/20 Smoke Out In Colorado Draws 10,000″

You know what the main obstacle is for getting marijuana legalized? Pot smokers are the advocates.

About 15 CU officers and a half-dozen deputies with the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office had a presence Sunday among the mass of pot smokers, who bounced giant balls and tossed Frisbees through the haze.

“We really think pot should be legalized because…….Look! A ball! A big ass ball! Look at it BOUNCING! Hey.. a Frisbee!!……Dude….Dude! What was I saying?”

CU freshman Emily Benson, 19, of Kansas City, said she thinks the decriminalization of marijuana will become a hot topic in the upcoming political season and said she felt part of something bigger than just a smoke-out on Sunday.

“We’re at the starting point of a movement,” she said. “This is a big part of the reason I applied here — for the weed atmosphere.”

“This is a big part of the reason I applied here — for the weed atmosphere.” When deciding on a College, “the weed atmosphere” is important. Nothing stifles higher learning like a shitty weed atmosphere. Everybody knows that.

Entrepreneur Barrett Betz, 20, conceived of the potential financial benefit 4/20 holds earlier this year, and sold peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Hostess snack cakes and bottled water for a $1.

“Peanut butter and jelly!” he screamed to passers-by who were parched and eager to satisfy their munchies. “I’m doing very well.”

One woman was hopeful Betz’s treats were charged with some special ingredients.

“Are these magical?” she asked, only to be disappointed. “Why aren’t you selling magical ones? I mean, it’s cool — but c’mon.”

Yeah, I mean, c’mon, why the fuck would you eat a peanut butter and jelly sammich that wasn’t loaded with hallucinogenics? Dude….Dude.

It wasn’t all bouncy balls, Frisbees and non-hallucinogenic PB&J’s, some students saw the opportunity to drop some science on the throng of super high kids partying on 4/20, cause you know, that’s when they’re most receptive to big bouncy balls, Frisbees, and the genocide in Darfur.

Although CU junior Max Lichtenstein, 21, isn’t into marijuana or smoking, he also felt Sunday’s event was a chance to do something “bigger” than himself. He passed out 126 Rice Krispies treats with messages attached asking that they act out against the injustices in Darfur.

“Tomorrow, when you’re sober … call the White House at 202-456-1414,” the note read.

See? There’s hope for these kids yet! If every single one of those high ass kids that inhaled one of Max’s Rice Krispie Treats calls the White House, well, let’s just say I hope the operators can handle 126 calls in a single day! Hold on Darfur, hold on! 126 wasted college kids might remember to call the White House today…..maybe….if nothing’s on the Cartoon Network, or they didn’t eat the phone number.

If not, just remember that someone cared enough to hand out 126 Rice Krispie Treats to a bunch of stoned college kids to help you….to help you. Or to get laid, it may have been to get laid, but still. Dude..Dude.

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This was a really fun one, the infamous “Numbers Stations.”

The Really Cool, Spy “Numbers Stations” ……For Spies

Posted by bmac on May 23, 2008

I’ve posted about these before, but I got nothin’ to bitch about today, and it’s Friday, so let’s have some fun with:

The Spooky Numbers Stations.

I love these things. Most of you are probably aware of these, but if you’re not, here’s a Wiki definition of these shortwave spy stations, which were discovered in the 70’s, when short wave radios became popular, and people started to find these bizarre broadcasts that seemed to make no sense. Some of them had been on the air since as far back as WWI.

They generally broadcast voices reading streams of numbers, words, letters (sometimes using a radio alphabet), tunes or Morse code.

The voices that can be heard on these stations are often mechanically generated. They are in a wide variety of languages, and the voices are usually women’s, though sometimes men’s or children’s voices are used.

They’re also incredibly spooky sounding, and for some reason, many of them use music, like tinkly music box music, which just adds to the creepiness. Or tinkly music box music with a little girls voice reading numbers in a foreign language, which when combined with the static of shortwave, makes the hair on your arms stand up. Some horror movies have used these things as background to add a disturbing element you can’t quite put your finger on.

Check out this one, called “The Swedish Rhapsody”, but listen to the whole thing, because it gets creepier as you go. This is the one with the little girls voice, and the creepy tinkle music.

This one here, is just fucking disturbing.

Here’s one with just numbers.

This one inspired the title of the band Wilco’s album “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.”

I always picture a spy with a little radio sitting in some dank foreign basement with like a candle on the table, as evil Russian spies are closing in on him, listening to this message and writing it down on a piece of paper he’s gonna eat later when they catch up to him. I also wonder how these messages are translated, and by that I mean, what could 1,5,8,4,2,7, possibly mean? How much information could be in those numbers?

Many of these stayed on the air for 20-40 years, which makes me wonder if the spy ever got it, or was captured.

Even weirder, was that little girls voice and tinkly music an order to kill someone? Did that sequence of numbers lead to one, or many deaths? My simple mind reels with the possibilities.

The other really cool thing about these, and why they’re still in use today, is that these codes are 100% unbreakable. The spy and his handler were (are) the only two people that have the code, known as a “One time pad.” A spy almost anywhere in the world without the use of a trackable phone, could simply pick up a widely available shortwave radio, and receive messages from his handler.

If you’re really man enough, listen to a bunch of these, late at night, in the dark, by yourself.

It’s spooky cause it’s true.

Interesting fact: In the U.K., it’s illegal to listen to them on a radio.

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This post has generated the most hits on a single post in the year and a half of this blog. Always the top post on the sidebar:

Sean Penn & Alexander Supertramp

Posted by bmac on December 4, 2007

Yesterday I was flicking through channels on TV, and came across an episode of “Iconoclasts” on the Sundance channel, featuring Sean Penn and John Krakauer. Normally I would move on, but I thought I’d see what lunacy Penn had to spew for possible blog fodder, and the Krakauer guy (an adventurer and writer)  seemed kind of interesting. These two were brought together by the subject of a book written by Krakauer, and now a film by Penn, Chris McCandless, AKA “Alexander Supertramp.”

The story of McCandless is a faint blip on my radar, as he died in 1992 on an ill-fated journey into the Alaskan wilderness, and I had forgotten completely about it, till I saw this show, and found myself fascinated by this kid’s story. The short version:

McCandless, from a wealthy family, graduated college, cut up his credit cards, burned his social security card, donated his savings of 24,000 dollars to charity, cut ties with his family, and hit the road for two years, and ultimately ended up in the wild of Alaska, where he starved to death in an abandoned bus that was his makeshift home for 112 days. He documented his travels with pictures and a journal. Excerpts from his journal appear in Krakauers book, but only a few of his photo’s have been released by his family, including this one, self taken in front of the bus he died in, before things went south for him.

You can read the full story here.    

Unbeknownst to me, this kid has become a cult hero of sorts, due to Krakauer’s bestselling book “Into The Wild,” and now the film by Penn will further add to his mythic status among young idealists. I’m not sure why I’m fascinated by this story, because the kid was a bit of an idiot, and at the end of the day, basically committed suicide, but I’m fascinated nonetheless.

The bus McCandless died in, originally put there as a shelter for hunters, has become a destination for like minded idealists, and surprisingly, remains virtually as he left it, with his belongings still inside after 15 years. I say surprisingly because hippie worshipers usually grotesquely deface the shrines of their heroes, ala Jim Morrison’s grave, but maybe the remote location makes it hard for any but the most zealous seekers to get to.

When McCandless failed to get out of the wild, due to an uncrossable river, (because of melting glaciers), he began to starve, and finally, realizing he was about to die, took one last picture of himself, rail thin, smiling, and holding a sign that read:

“I have had a happy life and thank the Lord. Goodbye and may God bless all.”

Tragic. This picture is heartbreaking to me, and even though it’s his own fault, I feel sorry for this kid. I don’t find anything heroic about dying alone of starvation in an old bus deep in the Alaskan wild. On the other hand, I have some level of respect for people that take chances in life, and accept the consequences as McCandless clearly did. He wasn’t looking to be a hero, but the likes of Sean Penn are gonna try and turn this tragic story into something it wasn’t.

McCandless was a hard core lefty, and the fact he burned his social security card, and gave his life savings to charity and “dropped out” is what has fueled the interest in him, especially from Penn. From what I can tell, Krakauers book doesn’t necessarily glamorize McCandless, because it points out all the bad decisions McCandless made that eventually took his life. Penn on the other hand, is trying to make McCandless a hero to his core audience, the Looney Left, and environmentalist types, many of whom will undoubtedly set out on their own journeys trying to ape McCandless, and some will surely end badly. I’ve seen the trailer, (which I won’t post here) and Penn clearly glamorizes McCandless as a kind of modern day Kerouac, instead of the somewhat hapless dreamer that McCandless was.

Watching Penn during this one hour show, in which he and Krakauer re-trace McCandless’ Alaskan journey, it was obvious what an angry, miserable prick Sean Penn really is. At one point while they’re in a tiny town in Alaska, a girl who is having her Bachelorette party recognizes Penn, and asks for a picture. Penn responds by being totally put out, as if in this tiny little town in Alaska, he’s gonna be over run by fans. Which is laughable, because earlier in the show, he was carded trying to buy liquor. I feel sorry for Penn’s family, he must be a million laughs to be around.

As much as I don’t think McCandless was or should be any kind of hero, at least he had the balls a Sean Penn will never have. It’s easy to sit back on millions of dollars, and make a movie about a kid who willingly walked away from civilization to his own death, and act like he’s some kind of role model. I wonder if Penn would encourage his own kids to do it, because his movie is gonna encourage other people’s kids to go on a trip that some may not come back from. Will you take responsibilty for that Sean?

 

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This is my visit to an historical house designed and built by Frank Lloyd Wright: 

Frank Lloyd Wright, And How To Kill An Afternoon

Posted by bmac on March 7, 2008

I was in L.A. yesterday, just for the day. Can’t really say why, but it was a paying gig. And yes, it was legal. I had the afternoon to kill, so I took a little field trip to see one of only four houses in all of Los Angeles designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. All the houses he designed there had a similar theme, a Mayan block motif.

I find myself fascinated by these houses, not only because I love Wrights design, but because they have an ominous, almost menacing look to them. The house I went to, the Ennis-Brown House, has been used in a bunch of movies for just that reason. It was featured in the original “House on Haunted Hill”, and it’s most famous cameo, Harrison Fords house in ”Blade Runner.”

       

This house is currently in very bad dis-repair. Built around 1924, the materials Wright chose are composite blocks that aren’t weathering too well, and the ‘94 Northridge quake as well as the 2005 deluge of rain that hit L.A. have taken their toll on this amazing piece of architectural history.

When I was there, there were only one or two guys working inside (The public can’t go in) but I understand it’s being renovated with donations from the public. My pictures don’t really capture the massiveness of this house, it’s enormous, taking up almost an entire block, and it’s no easy feat to get to. It sits high up in the hills of Los Feliz, just below the Griffith observatory, and the view is breathtaking, a panoramic of all of Los Angeles.

I like the little details that are uniquely Wright, like this porch light.  

I wish I got a less cluttered view, but click on it to see a little better. It’s a small thing, but here’s this stupid little porch light that was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, kind of lost within this massive structure. Simple, but unmistakably FLW.

Or this doorbell.   Here it is in context.

Each block is 16 inches, if that gives you an idea of the size.

Just down the hill from this house, is a house designed by Frank Lloyd Wright Jr. that I thought I’d check out while I was in the neghborhood, the Sowden House, which is also Mayan themed, and has been used in a zillion TV shows and movies.

  

It’s got the added attraction of being somewhat infamous, when it was recently tied to the Black Dhalia murder, by the son of the guy who owned it in the 40’s. He maintains she was killed and mutilated in this house. By his father. There were people in it, ( I believe you can rent it out nightly or weekly) so I couldn’t get too close, or linger around.

These houses evoke a kind of film noir darkness of old Los Angeles, old Hollywood, probably best captured in a film like “L.A. Confidential,” that I find fascinating. In fact, the Sowden House was used in L.A. Confidential. There must have been some twisted parties that went down in these houses.

Anyway, hope this isn’t too boring, but I enjoyed it.

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This one was also on the top posts sidebar consistently. People get really upset over fucking tattoos:

Tattoo’s Are Cool

Posted by bmac on June 6, 2007

I watch a lot of T.V. Last night I ran across an episode of “Miami Ink,” a reality show about a tattoo parlor, that I find mildly entertaining from time to time. It’s interesting to me how mainstream tattoo’s have become, or should I say, trendy. As kind of an ex-rebel myself, I get the allure of tattoo’s, but when 15-year olds are walkin around totally sleeved, it kinda loses it’s outlaw appeal. When I was a kid, the only guys with tattoo’s, were bikers, sailors, and criminals, real badasses, guys you didn’t mess with. For them, tattoo’s were a badge, a badge that said “I remove myself from society, I’m not part of your world.” I get that. Today, you’d be hard pressed to find a 16-year old girl without one.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-tattoo, there are some amazing artists who do amazing pieces on people, but they are expensive, and most people don’t have those types of tattoo’s. Most people have the same stupid, trendy tattoo’s like: Chinese characters, coi fish, tribal bands, and my personal favorite: The Memorial Portrait. I understand “Miami Ink” is a reality show, and they have to create some drama, but every idiot has to have some deep, personal, facing their demons kind of reason to get Daffy Duck tattooed on their forearm.

Back to The Memorial Portrait. These strike me as particularly offensive. It seems incredibly morbid to me, to have for instance, a portrait of your dead son on your arm, for the rest of your life. I get that you may be heartbroken, after a tragedy like losing a child, but tattooing their image on your body, forever, seems to me, the worst possible memorial. It’s the worst possible memorial because it’s totally narcissistic. That tattoo becomes more about you than the person you’re supposedly memorialising. Every time someone sees that tattoo, you get to tell your tragic story. People will feel sorry for you. It’s just one more way to have this kind of “fake” empathy, that’s really all about being selfish.

Which brings me to another phenomenon I’ve noticed recently, memorials at sites where people have died. I get it if it’s Ground Zero, or Columbine, or VT. I get the families of the deceased doing it. But these things are springing up everywhere, and they’re huge. It’s as if some people wait for a tragedy to happen so they can rush right out, and stick a teddy bear on the side of the road.

About a year ago, a little girl, 2 or 3 years old, was found deceased in a dumpster. She had been beaten to death by her parents. A horrible tragedy. It was a big story in this town. Pretty quickly, that dumpster became hallowed ground. There were literally hundreds and hundreds of teddy bears, candles, and various children’s toys completely engulfing that dumpster, all left by people that never knew or cared about that little girl when she was alive. I feel bad for that poor little girl, I really do, but I have to wonder about people who do this kind of thing. The kind of people who after seeing this on the news, feel compelled to go out, shop for a toy or stuffed animal, for the morbid purpose of placing it at a crime scene for someone they didn’t know. I think they do it for selfish reasons, that “fake empathy” I mentioned earlier. Somehow, they’re “good” people because they just care so much. It’s sort of like Munchhausen by Memorial.

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This one drew a fuckhead troll, and I got called a homophobe. Good Times:

This Is Why People Are Against Gay Marriage

Posted by bmac on June 6, 2008

Lesbians upset because they were asked to stop “making out” at a Seattle Mariners game.

Most of the time, a kiss is just a kiss in the stands at Seattle Mariners games. The crowd hardly even pays attention when fans smooch.

But then last week, a lesbian complained that an usher at Safeco Field asked her to stop kissing her date because it was making another fan uncomfortable.

According to a Mariners press release, they were told they could kiss, but were asked to “Tone it down” not an unreasonable request. The release says the women responded to the simple request like this:

The women refused to modify their behavior, began swearing at the seating hosts and complained that they were being singled out for their sexual orientation,” the club said.

This is one of the women.

This has apparently stirred up OUTRAGE from the gay community, so let’s start with some douche from a group called “Equal Rights Washington”:

Certain individuals have not yet caught up. Those people see a gay or lesbian couple and they stare or say something,” said Josh Friedes of Equal Rights Washington. “This is one of the challenges of being gay. Everyday things can become sources of trauma.”

Trauma? Look you fucking crybabies, has it ever occurred to you selfish assholes, that maybe, just maybe, some people don’t want to have to explain homosexuality to their 8 year-old at a baseball game? You want respect? Have some respect for others.

Homosexuals kissing at a major league baseball game is inappropriate, it’s rude, it’s disruptive and it’s disrespectful, and gay people with any class whatsoever know it. If you can’t be bothered to have even the most basic respect for common civility, for the wishes of the majority of people at a baseball game, then fuck you.

But wait, it still gets even better, when “sex advice” columnist Dan Savage, who writes for one of the Seattle alternative papers has to chime in:

“They (the Mariners) go out of their way to say it’s a quote-unquote family setting,” Savage said. “As a gay season-ticket holder, we’ve never been quite sure what that means exactly. I constantly see people see making out. My son has noticed and asked, `Do they show the ballgame on women’s foreheads?’”

First of all, what the fuck does “gay” have to do with “season ticket holder.” Unless there’s a gay season I don’t know about, you’re either a season ticket holder, or not. Secondly, Mr. Savage knows damn well what a “Family Setting” is, and yes fuckface, there’s a difference between homosexuals and heterosexuals kissing at a major league baseball game and you know it.

You assholes do nothing to further your own cause, or get anyone to feel sympathy for you. It’s precisely this kind of childish, selfish, rude disruptive behavior that puts people off, and then you have the fucking nerve to whine about discrimination.

This is a prime example of why gay marriage is going to be a major problem. Imagine the lawsuits that will be thrown around when a gay married couple wants to make out in ANY “family” setting, and if they are asked to tone it down.